I have computer access for 15 minutes. And they're going to monitor everything I say. Hmm.

They finally took my IV out and they're not strapping me down anymore. Thank goodness for small comforts? And oh yes...I am in a mental institution. Apparently the black hole of despair I have been in? Yeah that was depression. So Jack...what you said I might be headed for happened after all.

I am trying so hard to not blame anyone but me. It's difficult. But the truth is, it IS my fault. I have to learn to take care of myself. These people are watching me eat. It's unnerving. And I cannot have anything sharp. Or FUN for that matter. Gods I am bored. Apparently this will help me focus on my recovery. Or go braindead.

I hope the use of the word 'dead' up there didn't set off any alarms.

I am not going to kill myself!

The good from this? That I will feel better and that Renee and I are good again. OH how we are good. And the psychiatrist that I am seeing says that it is good that I told him I won't take drugs because I want to feel. Because it shows that I have a good chance at getting past this soon. Because I know emotions are better than numbness. Or something. And he says my relationship with Renee is good, but we can't stop talking again. I said trust me, we won't. We learned our lesson. And she can come see me anytime now, not just visiting hours. And that makes it better.

But they still lock the door at night.

And I want to take a shower.

And go home.

~Deirdre
I have computer access for 15 minutes. And they're going to monitor everything I say. Hmm.

They finally took my IV out and they're not strapping me down anymore. Thank goodness for small comforts? And oh yes...I am in a mental institution. Apparently the black hole of despair I have been in? Yeah that was depression. So Jack...what you said I might be headed for happened after all.

I am trying so hard to not blame anyone but me. It's difficult. But the truth is, it IS my fault. I have to learn to take care of myself. These people are watching me eat. It's unnerving. And I cannot have anything sharp. Or FUN for that matter. Gods I am bored. Apparently this will help me focus on my recovery. Or go braindead.

I hope the use of the word 'dead' up there didn't set off any alarms.

I am not going to kill myself!

The good from this? That I will feel better and that Renee and I are good again. OH how we are good. And the psychiatrist that I am seeing says that it is good that I told him I won't take drugs because I want to feel. Because it shows that I have a good chance at getting past this soon. Because I know emotions are better than numbness. Or something. And he says my relationship with Renee is good, but we can't stop talking again. I said trust me, we won't. We learned our lesson. And she can come see me anytime now, not just visiting hours. And that makes it better.

But they still lock the door at night.

And I want to take a shower.

And go home.

~Deirdre

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deirdre_ionuin

October 2011

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